I relaxed my hair using coconut milk, which turned out simply to be some sort of deep conditioning. Before AJ and I go to Florida, I want to feel attractive. I’m looking forward to the sun, I’m looking forward to the pools, but I am not looking forward to trying to tame an “ony– what my cousins would call a ponytail as small as a bead.”

The last time I was there, I was ill-prepared for the hairdoing-to-vacation ratio. As a result, I considered texturizing my hair until it occurred to me that I’ve really gone south in the healthy hair department. That vital haircut a few days ago is actually really depressing. I’m all like, “Why can’t my hair just be back to normal?” Well, my birth control combined with never wrapping my hair at night combined with the heat damage have made it so that the strands I have now are pointless. My hair needs to be shaved in order to be saved.

So I threw the option of texturizing out and started researching natural relaxers. I assumed it would have something to do with food– if not, something light on chemicals. I prayed it would save me from buying a box of texturizer and provide the same results. Primary results entailed young ladies painting their hair with coconut milk, which reminded me of a treatment my natural-haired friend Sindy did on her hair with avocado when she big-chopped. The thing is, though, is that I would never use avocado on anything else but my taste buds. I was turned on to the idea of putting food in my hair but not food I consider to be fallen from the nectar of sweet heaven.

I followed a video posted by D. Ella da Boss Diamond with the exception of using Knotty Boy soap to wash my hair out. Unfortunately, mid-application, I discovered that many websites with different versions of the Coconut Milk Relaxers clearly stated that the “relaxer” wouldn’t relax the hair like an actual perm or texturizer. The reason I call it a deep conditioner is because it didn’t actually relax my hair (per the fine print)– it just made it more manageable the way a deep conditioner does. The process didn’t stop at the coconut milk. I next used grape seed oil (something new), coconut oil (the grease kind, not the cooking kind– that shit is too expensive to be experimenting on my hair), and slimy okra water (English for “kalalou”). All of this fused to create mega-moisture, which is supposed to manipulate the hair into feeling flatter and more manageable.

I’m glad I did it. Using organic ingredients that nourish internally should nourish externally. And it is better than off-the-shelf products processed with chemicals to preserve them. I don’t have a before and after picture because I didn’t think to take one and because there’s really no difference in how I feel about myself. I am tired of feeling down about myself, though. I decided yesterday that I want to make a transition into natural hair care without doing a big-chop. A big chop would be way traumatizing than what I’m complaining about now and my hair is really not even that bad. It’s literally “Amelie” without the forehead bangs and the flip. I’m just uncomfortable with it. Anyway, what I’m doing is obviously not working and I can’t wait to purge out all of these chemicals. I think I can do it without having to get rid of my hair. The first thing I’ll do is get rid of birth control. I’ve only heard of a big-chop from things like perms and harsh chemicals– not birth control. If that was the case, I’d be chopping my hair monthly. I’m not sure if that is correct natural hair care logic. My hair has been falling out monthly.

Nevertheless, Sindy has succeeded tremendously in her hair journey. It only took two years for her big chop to turn into that of Solange Knowles. All the while, I was stupidly content with my unhealthy routine. While I was stunned and far from ever cutting my hair above my shoulders, I should’ve rode that train with her because, now, my hair is above my nape. Some people like this young lady from this blog I stumbled upon yesterday can healthily take care of processed hair. I cannot any longer, however, because of all the chemicals I intake internally as well as externally.

I’m rambling now.

I’m down to my last birth control pill today. The pills are clearing the two Depo-Provera shots I last took in November. I really wish my gynecologist would’ve explained the side effects aside from treating my cysts because then I would’ve opted out of six months of menstruation. Florida will be a good opportunity to relax and emit all toxins out of my body. The heat alone would act as a sauna, spiking my recent kick to my nearly addictive urge to smoke (thanks, LifeCheating).