One of my Resolutions was to become the kind of person that doesn’t let things get to them. I believe there’s strength in killing people with kindness but I struggle with fully concealing my disappointment let alone being nice to someone I felt have crossed me. With the year sixty percent through, I’m all like “Okay when am I gonna put this characteristic into effect?” While I won’t ever give up expressing my anger on my face, I want to know how to surrender anger when I need to. While I justify that some of my anger need not be forgotten, I think cases in which I have been majorly hurt holds no purpose in the bookshelf of my mind. I don’t want to live my life avoiding certain songs or certain places and definitely avoiding certain people. I mean, I can function just fine with anxiety circulating my body; what I want is for the anxiety not to circulate my body. So began my reflection.

I grew up with a girl I knew as my best friend. The friendship ceased shortly before I enlisted because I felt we grew apart. She reached out to me continuously telling me that she knew we wouldn’t be best friends again but that she just wanted me to know that she wished me well. I would do the ignorant “She’s so fucking weird” thing when I’d get her messages. My husband, on the other hand, suggested that she might have had a lot of balls to extend the olive branch. I didn’t buy it. For about a year and a half as she reached out to me, I held onto the tension that came with how I ended our friendship abruptly. One random afternoon, induced by Jim Beam and an appreciation for life, I finally responded. We’re definitely not best friends. I wouldn’t even call her my friend; but I don’t have to anticipate having to put on a facade should we ever run into each other. What I’m trying to say is that the tension is indefinitely dead on my end.

In some cases, when individuals choose to hold on to their resentment like I did, you can’t do anything about it. In layman’s terms, you can’t control everything. In a quote by Epictetus, “Freedom is the only worthy goal in life. It is won by disregarding things that lie beyond our control.” Fortunately, the anger doesn’t exist on my end so everyone I’ve attempted to make amends with this weekend who were nonresponsive were nonresponsive because they weren’t prepared to give that piece of anger up just yet. My next step is understanding that some can be “wrong and strong” or, better, not understanding it but identifying these individuals and avoiding them.

I’m sitting in my living room right now typing this with one hand and snatching my one year old with the other. He smirks at the words “stop it” as he hammers some stickered toy telephone on the television screen. He was unusually content in this walk-through we did about his hair. Check that out. Also check this out for more information on surrendering a crippling need for control.