I’ve been having a lot of deju vus lately. My deja vus link directly to dreams I’ve had.
- When my family and I moved to a townhouse in Springdale, my mother had just miscarried a boy. She and my stepdad were trying for another. In the third floor bedroom I shared with Rebekah, I had a dream we were hanging out around a colorful jumper in the basement. Two years later, Rebekah and I had to move into the basement to accommodate my brother’s nursery.
- While I was pregnant with my son, before I took that life changing pregnancy test, I had a dream Rebekah and Miriam were sitting around a large pool. They were holding a plump, dark-haired, baby girl. I grabbed the baby from them, shouting hysterically, “Give me my baby!” That little girl is my niece.
I have lucid dreams too. I hate getting stuck in lucid dreams looking around the room wondering if anyone knows that I’m slowly dying. I especially hate those Inception-type lucid dreams. I wake up feeling relieved but I’m not actually awake. My son isn’t with me right now. What a baloney fucking trick, brain. Get me out of here.
I don’t know what to make of deja vus and lucid dreams. They give me an eerie omen feeling. I hate putting so much emphasis on the supernatural meaning behind dreams but I do anyway because my dreams have impacted my future (or vice versa?). I always only dream of my sisters. I see my five year old sister Ramona as a teenager talking quickly and whipping her neck back and forth in the backseat of some car. She has jet black keratin hair and she’s wearing a tank top– unimaginably grown.
Although my brother had his own nursery, he slept in any room he could choose from. He still takes advantage of the many motherly touches available at his fingertips. He calls me every night. He talks about his dreams a lot. I worry that we’ve standardized an expectation of a woman no woman is ever going to meet. Am I the same? Are my sisters only featured in my dreams because there will never be anyone who will understand me, hate me, and love me as much as they do? Yes. This much is true.